So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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