I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
