She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
