1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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