why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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