I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
