So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
