Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize