She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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