I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I want a musical about memes.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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