I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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