My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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