I accidentally burped into my bong.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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