Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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