This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Randomize
