please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
