Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
