So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
