I would go down on you faster than GM stock
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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