I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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