If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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