Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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