i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
