If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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