the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
