Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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