I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
