My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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