I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
