I faked an abortion last night.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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