Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
