I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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