I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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