tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
