im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
