I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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