At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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