I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
