Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
