And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
one two three fourrrrnication!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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