Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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