Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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