I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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