I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
