That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dicks are not precious.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
