I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
