I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Randomize
