I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
