I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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