Define "chronic" masturbator.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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