WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
