how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Randomize
