Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
