im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
