I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
