Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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