Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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