You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
