A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
