I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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