I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
